For the past few months, I've observed the circumstances in my life that are merely the stepping stones of reaching a point in my adulthood. The point where I've reached equilibrium with not knowing everything, that there will be moments where I am called to be just only the student. Present with my uncertainty, to allow myself to learn, observe, and reflect from what looked like adversity. As a hands-on person, I've had to learn how to stop fighting my experiences because they're only here to help. But I fight so hard for the things that I'm passionate about, no matter how big or small, because I do fear not being able to accomplish anything great or living my dreams. I'm not afraid to say that I have so much anxiety over time and the fact that it could be slipping out of my hands, the fear is almost blinding that I can't see what my disappointments were trying to show me.
My mother, I would say is the parent that I get most of my willpower from. There's no doubt about her ability as a hardworker, but it's kind of painful to witness her having nothing to show for it. What makes it painful is the resentment that she holds deep inside for it and the way that she doesn't hesitate to put it on display. What also makes it painful to watch is because I can see the potential that she has but refuses to touch because she invests so much of her energy in the places that are not for her. I've always known my mother as unconventional and as much as she boasts about traditionalism, she's an example of someone who breaks gender norms. For as long as I can remember, she's never worked an office job, her occupation history mostly ties to professions that deal with hardware, and I can count on one hand the times I've seen her in a dress. The issue with that is that she wasn't always like this, it's not even about the dress, it's the fact that she retired most of the things that made her feel passionate about life once she entered motherhood. She didn't believe in dating as a mother, she didn't believe she had time to have fun anymore as a mother, she didn't feel like she could wear the same stuff as she did when she was younger as a mother. If not completely, most of her sense of individualism was drained. She doesn't even like the idea of working on a plant, but she had the mindset drilled inside her head that she needed to work these troubling jobs in order to have enough to take care of me.
At first, I could understand her misery. But I've been an adult for almost 3 years now and her excuse is still the same. She spent years working in unfulfilling jobs and trying to get her credentials in order to be a merchant marine but only delays and a strain towards her already poor health came out of that. She explodes in frustration over "why?" and honestly, why not her? Why doesn't this play out for her? "This shit don't happen to nobody!" is what she repeats whenever she stews in anger over the things that never came into fruition like she wanted.
I carry those similar sentiments and even the rage when it's another scenario of feelings that life just isn't fair.
"This shit don't happen to nobody!"
"THIS SHIT DON'T HAPPEN TO NOBODY!"
It does. In fact, it happened. It's easy to feel like the world is working against you, and you only. But it works for you, and the direction that you were heading in, was just that simple, it wasn't for you. That hurdle may have been instant, but getting back into alignment happens just as fast as you getting out of it. It's like the universe put a blanket on top of your head, it's dark, you have NO idea what's going on, they turn you around into the direction that you're meant to go into, and then they take the blanket off. It happened. So what are you still fighting and why? The threat is not what you think it is, it was the path that was in front you. So why do you feel so scorned?
A person like her, suffering from chronic illnesses and arthritis working not with the purpose of passion but for money had no business trying to be a merchant seaman. She doesn't even like to be on a boat unless it's a cruise. This woman loved fashion, politics, and anything else that would contribute to her sending out a statement to the world. As the years go by, there's always an excuse for why she's not chasing after that dream anymore. But in every single rejection that she's faced, there was definitely something else out there for her. She has always talked about owning her own business. She thought about doing something with nail polish, lipsticks, and even a cbd line but again it's like she just gave up on those ideas and in this decade, being an entrepreneur is common. Many people are now doing what she felt was impossible back then. She blames it on motherhood and as much as I appreciate her sacrifices, I want her to throw out this stigma that your life ends when you become a parent.
She struggled for the longest time with endometriosis, cultivating a remedy for the pain that comes with that illness was something that I recommended to her. Before she had me, there was an opportunity for her to attend a school dedicated to fashion that she passed on. Even with that loss, it's still not too late to pursue working with fashion in another way. Cosmetics may be a popular industry to invest in right now, but who says that there's not enough room for her? We all have something different to offer. The point is, whatever it is, can it just be something she's passionate about and actually makes her happy. I'm not responsible for her happiness. I am not responsible for anyone's happiness, or their demise. I can only see myself in people, I can only let them be my mirror to see what I am unable to when pondering my past hardships.
Time is your most valuable form of currency. Do not waste it even more by being confined over what could've been, because there is always potential for something more. Your life just doesn't stop.
The paradox with my chronophobia is that there may not be enough time but time is what we will always have. Cherish it by making the most of it.
